Episode 1 -“Go From Victim To Victory”
So the first principle I am going to be introducing you to is to take 100% responsibility for your life and your results. Now, this is the core principle upon which everything else is based.
If you don’t take responsibility, what happens is that you start to take the position that the world is out to do you harm other than you are at cause in your world. I will be getting you out of your victim consciousness, out of blaming out of complaining and taking full responsibility for creating the life you have created up until this point in time, and the life you want to create in the future. So what will happens is, that you start to realise that you have created it, so you can uncreate it and then create a new one. Otherwise, you feel like the victim and you can’t do anything about it.
This will be one of my longest episodes because it is an important and quite a comprehensive topic to cover, you need to master it because everything that follows is designed based on this principle.
So let me explain how we are going to look at this.
There is a formula that I teach which is E + R = O.
E is the event that occurs, R is the response you have to that event and O is the outcome.
Everything I teach from now on is based on this principle, this principle is the basis for everything, you will have an event, you will then have a response to that event which then will produce an outcome.
This is based on the idea that there are certain responses that successful people do in response to what happens in their lives, the way they think, the way they talk, the actions they take and the visualisations that they do in their minds, both in terms of visual images and subconscious beliefs.
So, this can only happen if you are willing to take 100% responsibility for your life and your results.
I could literally do a two-day workshop just on this topic, two days, no problem, I could fill it up by doing lots of exercises and activities and information and stories. This is really a hard subject for people to get, especially when bad things happen like someone will get an illness, or there is an earthquake, or a car accident, or a hurricane. So there is a sense that, well, “how could I possibly be responsible for THAT”.
There are people, teachers, spiritual teachers that will say that you are 100% responsible for everything in your life. Now, I really believe that, but I don’t sit high enough in consciousness in my own life to know that is 100% true. Maybe you are only 98% responsible, maybe someone gets hit by a bus, was that person responsible for that? I don’t know, maybe.
So here is how we are going to look at this. We are going to act as if, we are 100% responsible.. we are simply going to take the position and act as if.
We act as if that everyone will drive on their side of the road coming from the other direction, but occasionally that doesn’t happen, they may lose control and end up on the wrong side of the road.
So whether or not it’s true, what we know is that when you act as if you are your life gets better. When people take on E+R=O, and 100% responsibility, their life gets better. No matter what your wife or husband or partner does, no matter how bizarre their behaviour is, you are going to act as if you are responsible for them being that way.
Because then you can say to yourself:
“Wow, what did I do?”
“Did I say something”
“Did I not come home on time?”
“Did I not spend enough time with him or her?”
“Do I not acknowledge her enough?”
So what happens is, that you become aware of what’s going on around you because you are looking, and in that looking, you may find an answer that will improve the quality of your relationship.
Now he’s the bad news, a lot of people say that a relationship is 50%/50%, but whenever there is a problem, whose 50% is it? It’s their 50% isn’t it?!! So if both of you act as if you are 100% responsibility for the quality of the relationship, you are going to have an amazing relationship! And even if only one of you does it, the quality will improve.
Now I could go on and on with different scenarios and examples but I’m pretty sure you’ve got the gist of what I’m trying to say.
The reality is that you have to be responsible for what you read, what you eat, who you hang out with, and most people are not.
Now, this is not about appointing blame, this is about creating awareness.
People have said to me well, I can’t possibly be responsible for this, and what I say is, if you were responsible and you were willing to look, what would be going on in that particular situation. Did you have yellow alerts and were there clues?
One of the questions I work with is “What are you pretending not to know?”
I’ll give you an example, a guy complains that he has been robbed and felt like a victim, they stole my TV and all my electronic equipment, my computer, ok, where do you live, I live in New York City, ok, in a house or apartment, I live in an apartment, ok, what floor, the ground floor, do you have bars on your windows and triple locks on your door, no, “what are you pretending not to know” I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.
So there are things you need to pay attention to, people you spend time with you need to pay attention to, if you are starting to feel nauseous you are getting sick, you may need to slow down or maybe you need to change your diet, so basically what are you ignoring or what are you not paying attention to.
Another example I can give you about E + R = O is this, let’s just say I say to you wow in my entire career you’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever met. Now if I say that to you and meant it, how do you think that would make you feel? Do you think that might lower your self-esteem a little bit? If you just answered yes, you have just failed the first pop quiz on E+R=O.Why?
Because it’s not what I just said to you it’s what you say to yourself after I stop speaking. It’s not the “E’ which is what Grace said, it’s the “R” which is your response.
Now you might have thought to yourself, “wow she’s only known me an hour, how did she figure it out so fast” haha OR you might think, Grace has a perceptual handicap and she can’t see talent when she sees it, haha, see the difference in your response and how by changing your response can create a different outcome?!
Let’s say your husband or wife forgets your birthday ok. Most people would be quite hurt by this, and the thought they would be thinking is, if my husband/wife really loved me they would remember my birthday. However, what if you thought this, wow, someone who loves me forgot my birthday, I wonder if they’re ok. Is that a different thought? Yes, is that going to produce a different outcome? Of course, it is, so it’s not the event called “My husband forgot my birthday.”
The feeling is the outcome of the thought. Think thoughts that make you feel better.
If you think there is no great man or woman in your town and you are going to be a spinster or bachelor for the rest of your life, then you are going to feel bad, you might look around and think all my friends are married there must be someone out there for me. So, you change the way you think about it by saying, “the perfect girl is on her way to me or the perfect guy is on his way to me.” It will change your whole feeling state. You need to start thinking thoughts that uplift instead of thoughts that take you down.
For most of you, your thoughts are a habit, a habit of thought, that’s why to change the habit, my suggestion is to start reading uplifting books, go to success seminars, listen to positive audiobooks, doing your affirmations and visualisations.
One of the myths in society today is that we are somehow entitled to a great living experience. We are looking for great personal relationships and quality family time. But we are looking outside ourselves for others to please us and make us happy.
So I’m here to give you a harsh truth -There is only one person that is responsible for the life you lead, and that person is YOU.
You need to look inside yourself and come from within, then you can take 100% responsibility for your life and your results. Now, this can include many things, such as your achievements, your personal or business relationships, your debts, your income and your level of health at the moment.
Now you might say, well that’s all very well and good Grace, but how the heck am I going to do that? Or That’s easy for you to say! So I’m here to tell you that in fact, this is not going to be easy, in fact, the truth is that you have been conditioned to blame parts outside of you that you are not happy with.
You will sit there and blame everyone, the government, your family, your mother, your father, the economy, the weather, your wife, your husband, and one of the real common ones is your boss and your colleagues.
You may not want to hear this but we need to stop looking elsewhere and look at where the real problem is, it’s ourselves.
Jim Rohn said it well when he quoted: “You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.”
When you are focussing on a new behaviour or a new quality like patience, calmness or being more assertive, it could be anything that you want to change, there is a technique called “The Evening Review”. At the end of the day just sit down and talk quietly. Now you may be talking to your higher self or to your source energy god – say please show me today places where I could have responded more calmly, had more patience or where I could have been more assertive, whatever qualities you are working on.
The way you develop qualities you cultivate them through practice and through intention, and so if you are focussing on calmness, like calmly responding rather than being panicky or being anxiety-driven, what will happen is that images will start to flow in your head of where you could have been more patient, calmer, less anxious and what you do is to replay that in your mind like rewinding movie, how would you have been if you had been calmer, responded more calmly, if you had been more patient in line at the bank, or got angry at the heavy traffic, you see yourself calmly sitting there in whatever situation it might be.
Then what that does is put a blueprint in your mind for the next time that kind of event shows up – and you’re more likely to respond in a more productive way.
When we talk about anger, nothing makes us angry, we create our own anger by having a belief that what’s happening or what’s been done to me, shouldn’t have been done. My wife shouldn’t have got angry with me, that person shouldn’t have stepped in front of me in the line, that car shouldn’t have cut me off and the fact is we know it should have been because it did. In other words, you just have to accept that this is reality. It is the belief about the event, not the event itself.
Now I don’t know if that person shouldn’t have cut me off, maybe they received an upsetting phone call or the kids are playing up in the back seat, maybe my wife is getting angry to show me how I can learn to be more patient and calmer. I need examples to bring up that image, so I can work with it. It’s an opportunity for growth.
What happens usually is there is an event that triggers an old feeling/response, and then that thought that I have about it, my wife shouldn’t have done that, my mother should have been more loving, then that activates the current anxiety or that current anger and then it keeps looping reinforcing itself and gets stronger and stronger, so you have to intervene.
Just know that what is, is. You don’t need it to be different for it to be OK. Like, you don’t need a certain politician that you’re upset with to be different, for you to be OK.I’ve witnessed people watching TV that almost have a coronary to something that a politician or a celebrity did or said. It’s already happened there’s nothing you can do about it, and so the belief that they shouldn’t have done that earlier today, it’s really your present moment, instead of just saying “oh, there they go again!.”
That’s all you’ve got to do, if something like that happens on the TV, you just say, oh well there he goes again. So, they don’t have to be different for you to be OK.
We just need to stop looking outside ourselves for the reasons why we haven’t created the life we’ve always wanted because it’s within us to manifest the quality of life and results that we truly want.
So, from today I want you to say every morning, “I am 100% responsible for my life and my results.”
If you want to achieve a certain level in life and you have a vision of that goal, you now, from this day forward need to take 100% responsibility for your life and your results.
The first thing you can do is to remove all the blaming and complaining and just take total responsibility.
Once you realise that you have created your current results, you can now delete or change them and re-create a whole new chapter and the bright new future that you want.
It is time to give up all your excuses. What this means is, that you need to let go of all the victim stories you have in your mind, why you can’t do something or why you are just going to give up something that you have started. You need to stop blaming all of the outside events.
THE OLD MAN STORY
I want to tell you a lovely little story which will explain what I’m trying to say.
There was a man taking a walk one night when he comes across this old man who was down on his hands and knees looking for something under a street lamp. The man asked him what he was looking for and offered to help. The old man replied that he was looking for his keys. The passerby also gets down on his hands and knees and helps him look for them. After about half an hour of searching, the passerby says to the old man, we’ve looked everywhere for them and we can’t find them anywhere, are you sure you lost them here?
The old man replies, “No, I lost them at home, but there is more light out here under the street lamp”.This story clarifies what I was saying before about really looking inside yourself and doing some serious reflecting.
So you are now going to take the position that you have always had the ability to create the life you want and now you are going to use that power to your advantage. For whatever reason you made excuses, maybe a lack of awareness, fear, or maybe you just needed to be right. Who knows why we do this, but the fact is, it’s in the past and it doesn’t really matter anymore.
You now need to make the choice, you need to act as if you are 100% responsible for your life and the results you achieve. You are responsible for whatever happens or doesn’t happen to you.
The thing is, that you need to ask yourself some deep and harsh questions.
What did I say or not say?
Did I create that situation?
What on earth was I thinking?
What was it that I did or did not do that created that result?
How did I get the other person to act that way?
What is it that I need to do differently next time to get the result that I really want?
The reason we create certain situations in our lives is because of the responses we have to different events. Whether it is success or failure, you have achieved that result because of your response to an earlier event or current events in your life. So what you need to do is think about the outcomes you are currently getting and if you don’t like them you have two choices to make.
The first thing is you can blame the event (E) for your lack of results (O).In other words, you can blame the economy, your lack of money, or your lack of education, racism, gender bias, the boss’s attitude, your employees and so on. There is no doubt whatsoever that these factors exist, but if they were the deciding factor no one would ever succeed. Sidney Poitier and Denzel Washington would never have become acclaimed actors, Bill Gates would never have created Microsoft. Steve Jobs would never have founded Apple Computers and Barbra Streisand would never have become a singer, actress, producer, and director.
So while you look for reasons why it is not possible, there are thousands of people that look at the circumstances and say it is possible and have succeeded at everything they do. Think about all the obstacles these people would have had to endure to get to where they wanted to be in their lives. We only see their successes, we don’t see how many times they failed, but every time they failed, it was an opportunity to do better the next time. The external factors are not stopping you, it is you. You start thinking negative thoughts and have these limiting beliefs in your mind. So then you start defending your self-destructive behaviour for example by drinking and smoking. We need to take note of some useful feedback we may receive from outside sources, but we ignore it, why? We fail to educate ourselves, learn new skills, eating unhealthy food while not exercising, and one thing we all do is spend more money than we make, failure to invest in our future which is something that is so important. Now we do all this and wonder why nothing is working for us.
Or secondly, you just change your response! Simple! You just change the response to the event until you get the outcome you want. Start changing the images in your head, your behaviour, your image or images of the world and the people in it, change the way you communicate with people and change the things you do, you will start to notice a considerable change. You need to acknowledge that you a bundle of conditioned actions that are operating outside of your control. Start regaining control of everything in your life, your thoughts, your dreams even your daydreams.
From now on, everything you do, say and think needs to be intentional and be aligned with your purpose, your visions, and your goals.
Quite simply put, EVERYTHING YOU EXPERIENCE TODAY IS THE RESULT OF CHOICES YOU HAVE MADE IN THE PAST.
There are three things you have control over in your life and that is your thoughts, the images you see and the actions you take. If you want to change your experience, change these three things. Start changing your habits, change what you read, change how you talk to yourself, be kind, be gentle, be loving, be understanding. Communication with others is important too, change how you talk to others as well.
Think about this IF YOU KEEP ON DOING WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS DONE, YOU’LL KEEP ON ATTRACTING THE SAME OLD THINGS.
The twelve-step program— AA explain insanity as “continuing the same behaviour and expecting a different result” It’s really not gonna happen. If you are an alcoholic and you keep on drinking, things are not going to change and your life is not going to improve. So if you continue with your current behaviours your life is not going to get any better either, think about that.
THE DAY YOU CHANGE YOUR RESPONSES IS THE DAY YOUR LIFE GOES IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION AND PUTS YOU ON THE ROAD TO SUCCESS!
YOU GOTTA STOP THE BLAME GAME
Wayne Dyer said it best when he quoted”. All blame is a waste of time.No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him/her, it will not change you.
If you want success you need to stop the blame game because as long as you continue to blame someone or something for your lack of achievement you will never be a winner.
I mean think about it, you are the one who stayed in the job you hated, you are the one who ignored your intuition, you are the one who trusted that person, you are the one eating the junk food, you are the one who didn’t say no, you are the one who spent all the money!
You thought the thoughts, you created the feelings you said the words and that is why you are, where you are now at this point in time.
YOU GOTTA STOP COMPLAINING
Now let’s take a little look at complaining. Now listen to me carefully. IN ORDER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT SOMETHING BETTER EXISTS. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A REFERENCE POINT OF SOMETHING YOU PREFER THAT YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR CREATING. Think about this, PEOPLE ONLY COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS THEY CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT.
Think about it, if you didn’t think more things were possible for you, you wouldn’t complain about anything. More money, upgrading to a bigger house, a promotion, a new loving partner. So what’s happening is that you have this image of a better life or future but you are unwilling to take the risks or steps required to create that life or goal. We never complain about the things we have no power over, do you ever see anyone complain about gravity? No, we don’t, why? Because there is nothing we can do about it, it just exists. All the circumstances we complain about, are things that we can change, but we have chosen not to. You can quit and find a better job, you can trust your gut feelings, you can learn to cook healthier food, say no in the face of peer pressure, you can get assistance with your financial situation. But why don’t we do these things, because they involve a risk. So what you do is think, oh that change will take an effort, it will be uncomfortable to have that conversation, and so to avoid any risk of having those feelings, you just stay put and keep complaining about it.
So make the decision now to stop complaining and stop spending time with complainers and get out there and create the life of your dreams!
THE $2 GAME
Here is a great idea that you can do in your home or in your office. Use a large jar or fishbowl and label it NO BLAMING, NO COMPLAINTS, NO EXCUSES. Every time someone is caught doing any of these things the offender has to put $2 in the jar. Now you need to understand that this is not a punishment for that person but to bring awareness of their behaviour and that these behaviours have a cost.
YOU’RE COMPLAINING TO THE WRONG PERSON
Now let’s talk about complaining to the wrong person!Have you ever noticed that the person complaining is complaining to a person who can’t do anything about the complaint? You know why? Because it’s easier, it’s less risky. You will complain to your spouse about work, but can your spouse do anything about it? Or vice versa, you will complain to your colleagues at work about your spouse, why? Because it takes courage to confront your spouse and tell them that you are not happy with how things are at home. What you need to do is replace your complaining with taking action and making the requests to achieve the outcome you want. You can work to improve your work conditions or get a new job. It’s up to you to make the change. You need to create your world, the world doesn’t owe you anything.
As I was talking about earlier, many times we receive advanced warnings. Remember the tv series Star Trek, when they would get a yellow alert that something was about to happen? These could be in the form of comments from other people, or maybe a gut instinct, you really need to trust your intuition because we get yellow alerts all the time!
There are external yellow alerts like your partner keeps coming home late from work every night, cheques from your client keep bouncing, your friends warned you, someone’s behaviour has changed recently.
Then there are internal yellow alerts, like that feeling in your stomach that somethings not right in a certain situation, a fear that emerges.
It is a different type of language that informs us.
There are clues all around which we need to start taking notice of, you may have an inkling or you may be suspicious about something. Your gut feeling told you and the writing was on the wall the whole time.
Now you have a great opportunity when it comes to yellow alerts, think of it as a positive because you have time to change your response e+r=o equation.
So why do you ignore them? Because this would require you to do something to solve it that is uncomfortable.
It is uncomfortable to approach your spouse about the lipstick on his collar, it is uncomfortable to speak up at a staff meeting because you think that you are the only one that thinks the upcoming event will be scheduled for the wrong time of the year, and it is uncomfortable to tell someone that you don’t trust them. So you go on and on pretending not to see or hear what is going on around you because it is convenient and less uncomfortable. It just avoids you having to take that risk of confrontation, it keeps the peace and you don’t have to take any risks. You’re in your safe place.
Successful people, on the other hand, face things square on and do what it takes to get their desired outcomes even if it means being uncomfortable, they take the action required to remedy the situation. Not only that, they think ahead of time and don’t wait for bad things to happen, but they also are way ahead of it, they’re on it. They don’t wait for disasters and then blame everyone and everything for their problems.
So have a think about situations that you may have prolonged when you could have just had a conversation or taken some action to resolve the issue. Once you begin to respond quickly and decisively life will become much easier, I promise you!
This is not necessarily simple or easy to do, it takes a dedicated focus and awareness and a form of discipline. You need to have that willingness to experiment with this and you need to take some risks. Start paying attention to what is going on around you. And a really good thing to do is ask for feedback, feedback is so useful when it comes to working out what’s going wrong or what’s going right. Ask your family, your friends, your colleagues, your manager or your coach or your teacher for some constructive feedback.
Am I doing this the right way?
Is there something more I should be doing?
Should I change the way I do this?
Could I be doing this better?
And don’t be afraid to ask, I’ll be doing a whole other episode on this subject but for now, you just need to understand that you should not be afraid to ask! What’s the worse that could happen? You are afraid to ask because you may be afraid to hear what you don’t want to hear, but look at it as an opportunity to do better, the truth will set you free! You are better off knowing about it and doing something about it straight away, you will kick yourself for not doing it sooner!!
Think about what you are doing really well and work on doing more of that. There are so many things you can do like ask more questions, meditating, listening, trusting, delegating, start controlling your carbohydrate intake, do more reading, I believe the more knowledge you have the more you will succeed in life.
Don’t be afraid to learn, I love learning new things. An example is this podcast. When I decided to do this podcast and share my knowledge I had absolutely no idea where to start. I didn’t know what equipment I needed, what recording software I needed, how to edit my recordings, how to upload my episodes, I had to learn it, I did a lot of research and reading and practicing to get it right and you can do the same thing too, WITH WHERE YOUR PASSION IS! And it goes back to having that feeling of being a little uncomfortable and getting out of my comfort zone to take the risk and get this knowledge out to the world.
The other thing is if you really want to succeed at something you may have to reduce time doing things that are not going to help get to where you want to be. For example, are you spending too much time watching television, spending too much money, drinking too much, you may have to say no to some invitations to go out with your friends. You will know what these things are if you are being true to yourself.
So just say to yourself what am I not doing that I need to try? Reading, planning, communicating drinking more water, exercising, volunteering or being more grateful?
So try it, take a leap of faith and act as if they are absolutely the right things to do.
Following this you will have first-hand experience of how these things have affected your life, you won’t know until you try. And he’s the deal, no one can do this for you, it’s just you and only you can do it.
DO MORE OF WHAT IS WORKING FOR YOU, DO LESS OF WHAT IS NOT WORKING FOR YOU.TRY SOME NEW BEHAVIOURS TO SEE IF YOU CAN CREATE BETTER RESULTS FOR YOURSELF.
If you found this information a little overwhelming you can ease into it like this…
Just ask yourself this question:
If I were to take just 5% more responsibility for my life and wellbeing,I would…….
I would go to bed earlier at night,
I would drink fewer juices and more water
I would take more walks during the day
Or how about this one…..
If I were to take 5, just 5% more responsibility for living my passion, I would…..
I would enroll in a course
Go to the appropriate seminars
Ask people that are in the industry for more information
Just imagine if you took just an extra 5% more responsibility how much impact would that have for you?
What I’m trying to say is that you have choices in your life and it is up to you to make them.
Try this exercise for the next week, I would love to hear of any aha moments you may have uncovered.
I hope that’s helped you understand about taking back control of your life by taking more responsibility for it.
If you would like to know more about this topic I have a “Take Back Control of Your Life 14 Challenge” that begins every month about this very subject which you are more than welcome to register for, you will get daily emails from me and a workbook to go through, and you also get to join the Facebook Group full of like-minded people, where you will get to share and learn some ideas.
At the end of every episode, I will have a motivational quote for you, and today’s is from President Theodore Roosevelt who once said:
“BELIEVE YOU CAN AND YOU’RE HALFWAY THERE”
Thank you so much for being with me today, I really appreciate your time, and I hope you join me next week when I discuss clarifying your life purpose, what you were put on this earth to do!
Now get out there and take control and have a wonderful and successful week!